


You knock me out, I fall apart

by fancypearl



Series: Now That You're Here [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (it's mentioned), Ableism, Alex is so brave, Anxiety Attacks, George is a good dad, George loves his smol son, I rly don't hate him in hamilton (irl I hate him), Implied Sexual Content, John and George are members of the protect Alex at all costs club, John doesn't want Alex to get hurt again, M/M, PTSD, Past Rape/Non-con, Victim Blaming, a certified douchebag, alex has a stutter and he tries his best, and it's a big part of Alex still, and so strong, author knows nothing about being a lawyer, but his heart is fragile, introducing: Thomas Jefferson, post-NTYH
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-13 20:23:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10521168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fancypearl/pseuds/fancypearl
Summary: Alex starts working for George, and John knows he has to let him go. Alex can fight his own battles, and he's proven this over and over. But John is still terrified of Alex getting hurt. His fears are proven true when Alex meets one Thomas Jefferson, whose words make Alex take one-hundred steps back when he'd been doing so well.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends, I wrote this and took me like two days- because I went out with friends to clear my mind, and one thing turned to another.. and I was pretty shit-faced drunk last night. 
> 
> FORTUNATELY, I'm doing better. I love writing for this universe, and it felt good to write for these characters again because I missed it. That being said, I'll probably bring out one-shots every couple weekends. 
> 
> A COUPLE WARNINGS: 
> 
> -I do mention past rape in this fic, not in detail but it is a big part of Alex and the route of trauma and his reactions to a lot of things. 
> 
> -I know nothing of law. I'm a nursing student. I'm sorry. 
> 
> -YOU WILL NOT understand this if you haven't read the mother-fic for this (Now That You're Here). 
> 
>  
> 
> Love you, friendos.

John had been nervous the first day Alex went to work, although he wouldn't tell Alex that. He thought that it was too soon- only a year after Alex had nearly lost his life, and he wasn't quite ready to let him go yet. But another part of him knew, that no matter how much he worried about Alex being taken from him again- he couldn't let that hamper Alex's opportunity to feel part of something. 

But he also worried that Alex wasn't ready to go to work yet. He still had night terrors, and he was still getting used to actually using his voice. John worried about how people would treat him with his stutter, but he couldn't make him feel like a child. 

He had woken up early that morning, taking a minute to look at Alex. He looked so comfortable, curled up in a ball- he had a habit of stealing the blankets off of John but he didn't have the heart to inform Alex that he pulled all of the blankets off of him. He'd just recently began to sleep comfortably- after the doctor had prescribed pills to help him sleep without interruption. 

His plan had been to wake up before Alex, make breakfast (on the new stove that the Washingtons had so graciously purchased), and surprise him. Unfortunately, when he moved to the edge of the bed- it awoke Alex, who was now staring up at him with drowsy, large brown eyes. 

"Mmm, J-John. B-Bed." He whispered, nuzzling his face in the pillow. "S-Suns n-not even o-out." 

John chuckled and pressed a kiss to the side of Alex's head, prompting a content sigh from his boyfriend. Much to his surprise, Alex pulled him back down. He let out a laugh as he was suddenly draped on top of him, Alex pointed to his own neck sheepishly. 

Intimacy. It was something that Alex only recently became comfortable with. Even then, John was careful to make sure Alex was okay with every move he made. 

"Want me to kiss your neck?" John asked. 

Alex blushed and nodded, opening his mouth and letting out a breathless laugh. "J-John. D-Duh." 

John let out a chuckle as he kissed the tan skin of Alex's neck, being careful to move down to his collarbones so he didn't leave a mark on Alex's first day of work. He wasn't sure George would be comfortable with seeing love marks on his adopted son. "Is this okay, baby?" 

"Mhmm.." Alex hummed happily. "Amazing." 

X 

John's breakfast plans went down the drain, not that he was disappointed. Any morning with Alex was a good morning, and if that's how Alex wanted his morning to go, then John was more than happy to oblige. Instead, he opted to make Alex a smaller and less intricate breakfast.. Because, no matter how much his loving boyfriend liked to skip over the most important meal of the day- John was not going to have Alex faint during his first day on the job because his blood sugar dropped too low. 

"N-No time for b-breakfast." Alex whined as he walked into the living room, which was conveniently attached to their kitchen. The apartment was small- definitely smaller than his last place but he didn't mind. 

"Always time for breakfast, Alex." John corrected. "Now come here and taste this because I was going to fix you a better breakfast this morning but you distracted me." 

Alex snorted and rolled his eyes as he approached John. "You're n-not innocent." He chuckled as John pressed the fork into his mouth, and batted his eyes quickly, feigning innocence. 

"G-Good." Alex smiled, swallowing and giving him a thumbs up. 

John kissed Alex's forehead, flipping the stove off and reaching up in the cupboard to grab a plastic container. He knew there was no way Alex would finish eating all of this before work, so his best bet was to just eat it while he was in the car. He could hear his boyfriend impatiently tapping his foot behind him. He rolled his eyes at how impatient and stubborn he was, but he also couldn't help but be happy to see that Alex was becoming less and less docile and to himself everyday. 

"You have no sense of time, baby." John chuckled as he gave Alex the small container. "Did you take your blood sugar this morning?" 

"N-ninety." Alex nodded.. John frowned and Alex tapped him on the arm. "It's normal, b-babe." 

"Still too low to take your shot this morning." John frowned, worrying his lip between his teeth. He knew Alex TOO well, and he also knew that his boyfriend would most likely not finish the breakfast. Fortunately, he had planned for this to happen. John was more than nervous for Alex's first day at a real job- so he'd probably thought of every worst case scenario; this included needing insulin later in the day. He gave Alex a tiny plastic baggy with a spare needle, and a tiny vile labled 'lispro'. 

"I know there isn't going to be anywhere to throw the needle away, so I put a needle container in there.. Just break it off- it's really easy.." John trailed off. "Maybe I should call George. I mean I think I could explain it over the phone-" 

Alex cut him off with a kiss, shutting John up mid-sentence. He smiled into the kiss and Alex pulled away, frowning. "I'm a big b-boy." Alex deadpanned. "I'll be f-fine." 

"I know." John said, and he did know. Alex was independent. But he still got scared in crowds (he was terrified of the subway.. Which is why John was currently taking him to work), and he still panicked, and was still so unsure of himself and John didn't know if his heart could take seeing Alex get hurt. It had been a year, and his worst nightmares were still of Alex getting hurt. 

"You scare m-me." Alex snapped, tapping John's bare chest playfully. "Sh-Shirtless.. By the s-stove?" 

John winked as he slipped on his scrub top. "You like it." 

Alex paused, as if he was thinking about it- and then he shrugged nonchalantly turning away from John. "A little b-bit." 

X 

Alex, for the most part, really enjoyed his job. It gave him a good chance to finally connect with George, who had been awkwardly trying to relate to Alex from a distance; unlike with Martha, who had taken her place as Alex's mother figure almost immediately. Alex knew that there was a lot of regret on George's part, over everything that happened.. And this allowed them a great chance to get to reconnect. It also brought back a lot of good memories for Alex.. Memories he wasn't even aware that he had. 

He also genuinely enjoyed feeling useful. Not that he didn't feel useful when he was home alone, or with Peggy. He was studying to get his GED, since his education was cut short for obvious reasons. Peggy had concluded that he most likely didn't even have to study to get his GED.. "you're a freaking genius, Hammy." She'd mumbled, shoving a handful of popcorn in her mouth. 

He WAS smart, he wouldn't deny that- but he also knew that wasn't going to get him anywhere if he didn't work hard. Which is why he worked _extra_ hard, even though he was essentially George's secretary (a term that he tried to avoid). Although, he was given jobs that went a bit above just being George's secretary. He knew the way the law worked, he'd read books upon books over the law. George seemed to know this as he commonly let Alex read over things he wrote, and answer his emails for him. 

Alex felt useful, and he liked his job.. Mostly. 

He'd had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting one Thomas Jefferson when he started working for his adopted father. The man was obnoxious at first, but after about three months of working with Thomas- it was clear that he didn't like Alex. 

Alex figured it was because he was technically George's 'son' (Alex said 'technically' because he was an adult now and most of his childhood memories were long gone, replaced with much worse ones).. He also didn't like the fact that Alex had opinions, which he was never afraid to say loudly- stutter be damned. 

He also, Alex discovered, had known Aaron Burr personally. 

He had brought up the subject of Thomas one night over dinner with John and their friends. He hadn't meant to sour the mood, since they hadn't seen Lafayette and Hercules in so long. But after he had ordered his food, steadying his breath and trying to talk evenly, he had mentioned his dislike for Jefferson. 

"Jefferson.. Thomas Jefferson?" Lafayette had said slowly. "That ass works for George?" 

Alex had nodded, tightening his grip on his drink. "H-How do you know h-him?" 

"He went to college with us." Hercules mumbled into his drink. "He's always been an ass, to everyone.. Especially all of us. What I worry about though is that Burr was in his friend group." 

Alex had swallowed and looked over at John who was staring at him with concern. Much to his dismay, the arrest of Charles Lee and the hell hole that he'd been trapped in for a better part of his life had made some pretty big news.. But Burr had seemed to banish from the scene, not even being mentioned as part of the ordeal, and despite John's protests, Alex didn't want to turn him in.. Didn't want to testify against him. 

He just wanted to live his life, finally. 

"Has he said something to you?" John had asked, his hand clenching at his side. 

"J-Just annoying comments." Alex shrugged, which was true. He had taken to mumbling "daddy's calling" every time George called Alex to his office. 

"Burr just followed them around anyway." Eliza had shrugged. "Wasn't even really their friend." 

That had given some relief to Alex, but it didn't seem to do the same for John- who had a furrowed brow all night, not really talking despite his friends' prompting. It had taken until they were in bed that night for John to finally speak up. 

"You could talk to George, y'know?" John said suddenly, and Alex had opened his eyes to look at John despite his desire to sleep. "He wouldn't let Thomas mess with you." 

Alex hummed and nuzzled into John's side. "H-He's not messing w-with me. P-Promise." 

John had brushed the hair from Alex's face, making him shiver. "You'll tell me if he does?" 

Alex nodded, pressing a kiss to John's face. "Yes." 

X 

Alex thought it was a bad case to begin with, and perhaps he should have denied sitting in on the meeting with George, since he had personal experience with a case of this type of nature. But George had seemed excited to have his input on this, and he was doing so well at speaking up and finally getting confidence- he was sure he could do it. 

The case was a tricky one: a notorious New-York politician had charges brought against him for sexually assaulting two of his previous assistants, both of them quite young. In Alex's opinion.. That should have been the end of it. Of course they weren't going to represent him. 

But, Thomas Jefferson had disagreed- of course. 

"There's no EVIDENCE that he's, without a doubt, guilty." Thomas had snapped. "Sir, the law says innocent until proven guilty- do we not stand for that? The two refused to go to the hospital, for all we know they could just be exploiting a politician for fame. And if we win this case, just think of what that could do for you.. For this firm!" 

Alex felt his stomach twist at Thomas' words, and he tried to pay attention to what he was typing out on the computer instead. He could hear a few people mumble in agreement, along with the silence from the others who were too stunned to speak- surprisingly, James Madison who was usually the first to agree with Thomas, stayed oddly quiet. 

But Alex knew that someone had to say something. He couldn't let Thomas have the final say in this. This could easily ruin two young lives.. And Alex couldn't help to compare that to.. 

His hand went up without a word, and he could hear Jefferson groan before he even looked up from his screen. George had to suppress a smile of- what Alex presumed- was pride before he nodded towards Alex- giving him permission to speak. 

Alex took a shaky breath, he had spoke to people individually but never in a group that wasn't his close friends. "W-With all due respect Thomas.." He paused. "That's bullshit."   
He mentally high-fived himself for not wavering on the word 'bullshit' since he seemed to always do that on vulgar words. He continued, despite the look of utter shock from his adopted father. 

"S-sir, if our firm takes t-this case we m-might win.." Alex agreed. "B-But do w-we really want to be known for sup-supporting a rapist. N-No, we d-don't have proof that he is without a doubt guilty. B-But I would sooner believe t-two young people who have n-nothing to lose over a pol-politician who has, n-news flash.. Been ac-accused before." 

"He was never convicted." Thomas snapped. 

"Because the p-people who accused him f-feared backlash!" Alex snapped back. "You say that they're doing th-this for fame.. But in my experience? N-No one wants to b-be known for this." 

The room grew silent, and Alex knew that he quite literally addressed the elephant in the room. Everyone knew that he was George's adopted son. They knew that he had been kidnapped at the age of twelve, only to be found more than ten years later after escaping an underground political sex ring.. They knew that, even though no one wanted to bring it up. 

But now it was out, and maybe Alex was playing dirty- but he couldn't allow his adopted father, of all people, do accept this case. 

This seemed to hit a nerve with George who simply looked down at his hands, before looking back up at Thomas whose face seemed to fall with the realization that they would definitely not be taking this case. Alex tried to feel triumphant, but he only felt ashamed that he had spoke so freely- so loudly. 

"I agree with Alexander." George said finally, inciting a groan from Thomas who tossed his head back in aggravation. "We can't be known for this." 

Before Thomas could say anything, George put up his hand.. Silencing him. "This meeting is over, everyone should get back to work. Alexander, make sure to respond to those   
emails before the end of the day." 

"Yes, s-sir." Alex smiled. 

Everyone filed out, except for Thomas, who seemed to be taking his time gathering his things. When the room was mostly empty, Alex noticed that George had left behind some papers- he gathered them with his stuff, intending to give them to him when he passed his office. 

"So are you just going to manipulate everyone's emotions until you get everything you want?" Thomas said suddenly, stopping Alex dead in his tracks. 

"E-Excuse me?" Alex snapped, but despite his attempt to stand his ground he could feel his hands getting shaky- it was getting harder to speak. 

" _E-Excuse m-me?_ " Thomas mocked. "I know you missed a lot from wherever they were keeping you prisoner.. But this is the real world, darling. And no one cares about whatever happened to you." 

Alex was left speechless as he backed away, holding the stack of papers to his chest. He expected Thomas to just stop, but much to his dismay.. He kept going- and what he said next was without a doubt.. worse. 

"You think I don't know how you chased Aaron Burr out of the country? He got a hold of me before he left." Thomas said coldly. "What did he do to you, Hamilton? Did you manipulate everyone into hating him too? Thinking _you're_ the victim." 

No! Alex wanted to scream. He'd tried to get John to forgive Aaron. He had forgiven him. Aaron had freed him for the first time, he'd met John. He'd only hurt Alex to get his daughter back.. He didn't hate him. He didn't try to.. 

"St-St.." Alex couldn't speak, he was ashamed that he could already feel tears threatening to fall down his face. "St-Stop." 

"You can't even speak right." Thomas pouted in fake sympathy. "Why don't you go back to whatever damn island you came from!" 

"What the hell is this?" A voice boomed from behind him. 

Alex looked behind him. George was standing in the doorway, glaring at Thomas with shock and disgust- and then he looked back at Alex, and his face fell. Alex knew that he was crying, he could feel the tears going down his cheeks. 

He couldn't breathe. He tried to take in a shaky breath but he couldn't breathe. He could couldn't even speak, it was like he lost his voice all over again. He was so pathetic. He was weak. He hadn't been doing so well, but that was fake. He should be taken again. They should lock him away because he would never be good for anyone.. 

He did what he did best. 

He ran. 

X 

John didn't hesitate leaving work early when he got the phone call from George, he had to take a moment when George tried to recite some of the things that Thomas had said.. 

He had to take a moment to keep from strangling Jefferson. 

He ran to his charge nurse, begging to leave early- telling her that he had a family emergency. She had finally agreed to let him go, but not without insisting that he take extra hours over the weekend, which he had agreed to quickly. It was a new job, one that saw more traumas since it was located in the middle of the city. 

His heart was racing as he drove home, praying that he didn't get pulled over because he wasn't watching the speed limit. He also hoped that Alex was home. His mind went to a thousand possibilities of where he could be. 

As soon as John parked, he was out of the car, nearly forgetting to pull his keys out of the ignition. John hurried up the stairs, deciding not to take the elevator, taking two steps at a time. He was thankful that the door was unlocked when he got to their apartment. He opened the door, yelling Alex's name. He was used to Alex telling John that he was in the small little library they'd set up for him. 

Instead, it was silent. John wasted no time opening the door to their bedroom, and he let out a sigh of relief when he saw that Alex was curled up in their bed- his heart fell, however, when he noticed that Alex was crying- his body shaking with sobs. 

"Alex." He said softly. 

Alex looked up and held his arms out, and John eased into bed with him, pulling him into his arms. As soon as John wrapped his arms around Alex, he started sobbing. It was loud and ugly as he sobbed into John's scrubs, gripping onto his arms like he was a lifeline. 

"Shh, baby." John whispered, his own eyes prickling with tears. A part of him felt so guilty. He could have prevented this. He should have told George about what he knew about Thomas. He should have prevented him from getting hurt. 

"S-So st-stupid, John." Alex sobbed, breathing so hard that he broke off into a cough. He lifted his hand and hit his head with his hand, sobbing as he did it. "S-Stupid.. S-stupid." 

"Stop that." John said softly, grabbing a hold of Alex's hand so he couldn't hit himself. "You're not stupid. You're smart.. And you're brave. No one would expect you to work as hard as you do, but you've defied everyone's expectations." 

My expectations, John wanted to add. 

"C-Can't even sp-speak ri-right." Alex whispered, more to himself. "M'b-bad, J-John. Man-Manipulate everyone." 

John didn't know what to say, he'd never seen Alex break down this badly. He hated Jefferson. It took everything in his power not to hunt him down and hurt him. Whatever he said to Alex had done a number on him, and all John could do was wrap Alex in his arms. 

"You're so good, baby." John whispered into his hair. "You're so good." 

"G-Good." Alex repeated, John could tell that he was getting tired. 

"So good." John whispered. 

"M'g-good." Alex whispered. 

X 

It had been a hard three days. Alex refused to go back to work, and luckily George seemed to understand that his adopted son was hurting- which allowed Alex to keep his job. 

Alex also regressed back to where he was speech wise, refusing to speak and only signing. 

John was patient with him, not forcing him to speak or getting angry when he didn't say anything to John. He also made sure to take him to the therapist, for those three days, opting to take night shifts so he could be there in the daytime (Peggy had no qualms about staying the night at their apartment, in case Alex had a nightmare). 

He knew that Alex was trying, and he looked so guilty every time John would ask him a question and he would open his mouth to answer- and then go back to using sign language. Luckily, he still allowed John to hold him even though he seemed to freeze in his arms. 

On the third night, John was greeted with a surprise.. 

There was a knock on the door just as he was finishing cleaning up after dinner. He wiped his hands on the dishcloth as he made his way to the door. He was expecting Eliza or Maria to be standing at the other side, or even Peggy who always liked to visit around this time. 

Much to his surprise, and his disgust.. He was greeted by Thomas Jefferson when he opened the door. His face fell almost immediately as he came to face to face with the man who had made Alex take one-hundred steps back from the progress he'd made. 

"I'm giving you a chance to leave my apartment before I beat the shit out of you." John said, eerily calm as he eyed the man in front of him. 

"Give me a chance." Thomas said slowly, putting his hands up. 

"Why the hell should I give you a fucking chance, Jefferson?" John snapped, careful not to talk too loudly and alert Alex from the other room. "It wasn't enough to torment my friends during college, you had to hurt Alex, too? You have no idea what he's been through." 

"You're right. I had no idea what he'd been through." Thomas said slowly. "I looked into it.. And I didn't know. I want to apologize." 

John scoffed, not wanting to listen to Thomas' bullshit. Alex was forgiving in nature, but John was not the same way. "You hurt him. I promised I wouldn't let anyone hurt him after what happened. You don't deserve his forgiveness." 

Thomas didn't say anything, which allowed John to continue on. "He's a better man than you are, Jefferson. So fuck you for underestimating him and thinking you can walk all over him. Do you think you could survive what he went through?" 

"Laurens-" Thomas started, looking apologetic, but John was still having none of it. 

"Leave my house, Thomas." John hissed. "I'll tell him that you said sorry, but I'm not going to force him to look you in the face..He'll be back to work, and you can try to apologize then." 

Before he could respond, John shut the door in his face- locking it when it clicked shut. When he turned around, he was face to face with, Alex who was looking at him in shock. John frowned. "I know you can fight your own battles Alex, but he hurt you. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone hurt you." 

"J-John." Alex whispered, and John almost didn't hear it. 

"You don't have to fight your battles all by yourself." John concluded, his voice breaking. 

Alex hurried in his arms, and John wasted no time wrapping his arms around Alex, he could feel Alex bury his face in his shoulder, and John kissed the top of his head. 

"I love you." John whispered. 

"L-Love you too." Alex whispered back. 

He paused and smiled up at John. "I'm going back to w-work and kicking h-his ass." 

John could help but laugh at that. 

That was the Alex he loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Also, Thomas Jefferson is NOT irredeemable in this fic. Yeah, he's a lil bitch and what he said was rightfully crappy but he's not going to be the new 'bad guy' of this fic (even though, I hate him historically). He's not. If you wanna read a fic where he's a bad guy, you can read 'friendly advice' where he is a lil bitch AND a bad guy. 
> 
> A.Ham and Tjeffs were enemies, so of course he's not going to be welcoming and accepting to Alex right away. 
> 
> Please leave me a comment- also, if you would like, leave me a request of a one-shot you would like to see!


End file.
